Dads/Partners…
First off, let’s be clear. I’m a massage therapist, a Birth Doula and a Birth Educator. I’m NOT a writer. I chose to do this as part of my recertification and these are just my thoughts.
The test came back positive…and in an instant, your life has changed forever! You’re going to be a dad! Now what? There’s a lot to plan for, so much to do! One of the most important things on your list should be a Birth Education Class. Yes, you should both attend!
Everyone talks about what the mom goes through during pregnancy and birth, but what about the dad/partner? What is their role? Well it’s a big one. You’re the physical and emotional support person for the woman carrying your unborn child. You’re her biggest cheerleader.
Fact is, in the early 1960’s, fathers were allowed into the labor room but not into the case rooms for the delivery. Medical staff believed the men may panic, faint or increase infection rates, or so I read. It wasn’t until the late 1960’s when their presence was allowed for the actual birth. Allowed…I hate that word…
First time dads who take a class still feel nervous and/or excited when the time comes to go to the hospital. He has to grab all the bags in the car, make baby steps to the car with his wife and help her breath through each contraction on the way there. He’s got to help her through each contraction on the way there, and remind her how awesome she’s doing. Next he’s got to help her fill out the forms, initial and sign upon arrival to the emergency room. Once the nurse arrives to take her to Labor & Delivery, he will have to haul the bags like a mule following behind them, answering the nurses questions if his wife just doesn’t have the ability anymore. He may have to help her change into what she’s going to wear to labor and deliver this baby, unless she came dressed for the job. Now the nurses have 536 more questions to ask…wait… there the same ones we already answered plus maybe 7 new ones. Must stay calm and focused. His job during the questions is to help her through each contraction, offer her water, does she want a bite of something…avoid eye contact with the nurse who probably doesn't want her eating. Once the preliminary formalities are done, they will take vitals, blood, insert a heplock in case of emergency, a check to see how far mom is dilated and then there’s a 20 minute wait for a baseline while mom is strapped to a fetal monitor. This is when dads realize it’s happening, especially if mom is dilated quite a bit. More water, a bite, hold the hand, breathe. In today’s hospital, the nurses don’t stay in the room the entire time. They come in periodically to check and see how you're doing, but they expect you to handle this yourself. They assume you have had a class and know how to do this. Dad’s role is huge throughout the labor. Stand right with mom while she goes through each contraction, timing them if need be, reminding her to breathe, drink, eat. He will help her to the bathroom, hold the vomit bag, freshen her wet washcloth for her forehead or neck, hold the shower head over her back, or hold her hands while in the birthing tub. He will refill her water or ask the nurse to do it when she peaks in. Once it’s time to push, dad will be holding her hand, her leg, and focusing deep into her eyes telling her she’s amazing and she can do it. Once the baby is delivered, he may have the option to hand the baby to mom, and then cut the cord after time has passed to do so. Now, it’s official. Welcome to fatherhood!
But who’s supporting dad? His biggest support doesn't have the wherewithal to do that right now. He’s making sure she’s hydrated…but is he drinking? He’s making sure she has a bite or two, is he nourishing himself? The answer is usually no. They are hyper focused on mom. Remember, also, that not every birth goes as planned. This can be very traumatizing for partners who haven’t had a class to prepare them for these events. Needle phobia is a thing and I’ve seen partners turn white during an epidural because no matter how many times you tell them not to watch, they just can’t help themselves. In emergency situations, whether it’s because of mom, baby or both, partners may not be told exactly what all is happening in the moment and without preparation prior to, this can become very scary. Do they stay with mom or go with their baby?
A study done in 1999 showed the mere presence of the father or partner made birthing women feel valued, cared for and appreciated. As a Birth Educator for Birth Boot Camp, we include dads/partners in our training so that they are prepared for the birth of their child just as much as, if not more than, the mother. It’s an important role. Are you ready?
